you throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball

I had not slept in 26 days.

I thought this was merely a byproduct of Finals stress. I longed for the semester to finish, not because I lost my love of tests, or did not enjoy the challenge, but because I was sick of lying awake in bed, bored, adrift in the sea that is my overlarge mattress, knowing I Should Sleep and praying for it to come, and the being slapped in the face with nightmares of basilisk-repellant Hitler cats and lecherous elderly kidnappers’ bare asses every time I finally fell asleep.

I was thrilled to be sick once Finals ended, because again, I thought, ho! sleep will come. And it didn’t. And it hadn’t. And I wasn’t that tired, but I Should’ve been Tired. And that worried me, so I still didn’t sleep.

26 days since he left — since he left, because I made him — and now I almost longed for him to come back, for things to be as they were, because, as bad as things have ever been, at least I almost always slept.

The knot that has plagued my left shoulder blade since June 2009 refuses to budge. On the 27th day, I noticed another bulging just to the right of my spine, at the precise latitude of my nipples.

I was supposed to go to Miami on the 28th day, but stayed behind. Mostly, I wanted to punish myself, to keep self-flagellating, for being so cruel to someone who loves me so much, for failing to support our relationship by any means necessary, for being unsatisfied, for not loving him enough. Christmas was imminent, and I had no home. I was nearly insane with regret.

Last time I broke up with someone, I fell into Nick 10 days later. Mostly, we were perfect for each other; partly, it was easier to go to him than to grapple with the confluent shitstorm of a dissolution and a death.

So I stayed, and I was miserable, and I came out of it. I’m glad I stayed. It’s time to practice what I preach. I’m not running anymore.

On another note, I’m so excited for school!!!!! My classes all seem fascinating and I am so fucking stoked. I know, I know, I’m pathetic, but whatever. I don’t “deserve” this opportunity more than anyone else in the world, and feel so blessed to be here. Every day brings a new, exciting puzzle, with interesting ramifications, and, for once, finally, I am engaged. I am the luckiest.

So, 1Ls, remember three things

1.We gotta play ’em one day at a time.

2. I’m just happy to be here. Hope I can help the ball club.

3. I just want to give it my best shot, and, the good Lord willing, things will work out.


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